[***]
["IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]
* It's beginning to look A lot like Christmas *
* Everywhere you go *
* Take a look In the Five-and-Ten *
* Glistening once again *
* With candy canes And silver lanes aglow *
* It's beginning to look A lot like Christmas... *
[CAR APPROACHES]
[CAR DOOR SLAMS]
AL: No!
Daddy's home.
[GROANS] [GROANS]
I hate Christmas.
The mall was full of nothing but women and children.
All you hear is, "I want this. Get me this.
I have to have this."
Then there's the children.
And they're all by my store,
'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside,
ringing his stupid bell.
As if you need a bell
to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit.
"Ho, ho, ho," all day long.
So, nice as can be,
I go outside and ask him to shut the hell up.
He takes a swing at me.
So I lay a hook into his fat belly,
and he goes down.
Beard comes off, all the kids start crying,
and I'm the bad guy.
Aw, honey,
I know what would make you feel better,
but I'll never leave you, not in a million years.
So, Al, what's the family plan
for Christmas this year?
Five bowls a-flushing?
Four 'roids a-throbbing?
Three nose hairs waving?
Two children starving?
* One untouched wife *
I guess this is what they mean when they say,
"chestnuts roasting on an open fire." Eh, guys?
Now, look, I know last Christmas,
you didn't get what you wanted.
I saw your sad little faces.
How?
You weren't even home.
You shot pool with your friends.
Hey, your faces were still sad the next day.
But this year, it's going to be different.
Who here knows what a Christmas club is?
Oh, isn't that where morons put money in the bank
to get 2 percent interest instead of the normal 5?
Uh, yeah.
Anyway, I've got
one of these Christmas club things,
and was able to save a pretty penny this year.
So, in addition
to our annual Christmas feast at Denny's...
This year, we're getting presents.
Oh, I can't believe it! Presents! Yes!
Al, this isn't a joke, is it?
You know, like when we were dating and you said:
"Stick with me, babe, I'm really going places"?
Gee, I remember saying that.
I just didn't think I said it to you.
Oh, anyway,
Christmas is not the time for regrets.
That's what anniversaries are for.
Come on.
Let's all have a little Christmas "Whoa, Bundy!"
ALL: Whoa... Bundy!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
That may be carolers. They may want something. Bud, hit the lights.
Everybody down.
It's Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
Should I fix us up a stink bomb?
No, let them in.
They may have presents.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Nothing. Empty-handed.
Okay, who's got my wedding ring?
Thank you.
Anyway, I just came over to say Merry Christmas
since I won't be here because of a previous commitment.
Yes, he's spending Christmas
with Mommy, you know.
BUNDYS: Aww.
Why can't you and Mother get along, Marcie?
The woman hangs her coat on me.
What about your mother and her little, "Oops! Sorry, Stevie.
I didn't know you were in the shower."
Marcie, you want some coffee?
Sure.
Hey, I want some coffee.
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
There's only enough for two.
Kids, you want any?
Why are wives so jealous of the relationship
between a man and his mother?
Ah, they see someone who cares for you,
and it eats them up.
Yep.
My mom even left Marcie instructions
on how to take care of me.
Still, one week after we were married,
guess who was washing his own hair?
[CAR HORN HONKS]
Oh, that must be my taxi.
Merry Christmas, honey. Come give me a kiss.
WOMAN: Come on, Stevie!
Coming, Mother!
The man's mother came from Cincinnati
to pick him up?
Boy, if Weenie Town ever needs a mayor...
Peggy, what am I going to do?
We were supposed to go to the party
at my bank tomorrow.
I can't go stag. What will people think?
Marcie, let me give you some advice.
Don't spend time thinking about things you don't have:
a good relationship...
nice hair...
a good disposition, a woman's body...
Think instead about the things you do have,
and when you do, let me know,
'cause I've drawn a total blank.
Merry Christmas!
Al!
Christmas is no time to make fun of someone
whose life is crumbling down around them.
Do you know how many people
with lives a lot better than hers
commit suicide this time of year?
Now, you should say something nice to her,
even if you don't mean it.
You look very nice, Marcie.
See?
Now, I'll tell you what you should do.
You should go to that party without Steve.
Get wild. Get crazy.
Pretend you're single again.
Dance on the table tops,
chase after men,
rub your red hair up and down their chests
like a feather-duster,
and then reach out and...
And say, "I'm married," and go home.
Like I would.
I guess you're right.
I'll go to the party, but I won't have any fun.
This will be the worst Christmas I ever had.
I'll wind up home alone, sitting in the dark.
That is...
unless some friends invite me over.
Poor Marcie.
I feel so bad for her.
So, Al, we're really gonna get presents?
Yes! You betcha!
I pick up the money tomorrow morning.
This is going to be the greatest Bundy Christmas ever.
[AL CACKLES]
CAROLERS: * We wish you A Merry Christmas *
Hit the lights!
* We wish you A merry Christmas *
* And a happy New Year *
GIRL: We know you're in there!
PEG: * Oh, Al... *
Come unwrap your Christmas present.
Where is it?
It's me, you feeb.
Oh, Peg, how do you expect me to get excited
when you just rewrap the same old junk
I didn't play with the year before?
Oh, come on, Al.
Thrill me as only you can.
Show Mommy the Christmas club bankbook.
Okay, but just this once.
Again, Al, again!
It's never enough, is it?
Oh, you were fantastic! Let's cuddle.
Oh!
I suppose a shower's out of the question, huh?
And I don't think deodorant is tough enough
to handle this baby.
I'll get the bug spray.
Dad...
I couldn't sleep.
I sense you're on the horns of a dilemma.
Now, to wit,
you have $280.
But how do you split it up?
Well...
maybe I can help.
You see, I hate to tell you this, Dad, but, uh...
Kelly doesn't love you.
Never has, never will.
But you do, don't you, son?
With all my heart and soul.
But back to Kelly.
Now, how can we punish her?
How, how, how?
I know.
I bet spending all the money on me,
and nothing on her,
would fix her little red wagon.
So remember, Dad.
This year, when you think Christmas,
think "Bud."
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come in, Kelly.
Hi, Daddy.
Um, I just wanted to tell you,
I just got a call from the doctor, and, um...
I'm dying.
Yep, I've got "bulgaria."
The doctor says that it's "terminus."
How much time do you have, pumpkin?
Well, I've got till Christmas morning,
and the only known cure is a good present.
You know, in the 250 to 275 price range?
Gee, then I wouldn't have any money to get Bud anything.
I know...
but it's not like he loves you or anything.
I mean, when I think of all the times
that he wished you dead--
Oh, well, I just wanted to tell you that,
but whatever you decide is okay with me.
[COUGHS WEAKLY]
I thought I'd find you here.
What are you doing?
Loving Daddy.
What are you doing here?
Saying hi to the man who gave me life
and his name. Make way!
No! He's my daddy!
What is going on here?
Kelly's trying to pretend she loves Daddy.
Oh, yeah? Bud's trying to hog all Daddy's money for himself.
Oh, that's it.
Both of you, out of here.
Daddy is not stupid enough to believe you really love him.
Now, just stop your whining.
Go on. Get out.
Daddy's getting us all presents.
Go on.
Mwah.
You know, if I were you,
I wouldn't get them anything...
'cause I'm the only one who really loves you.
Oh, and by the way, Al.
I just got a call from the doctor.
I may be dying.
More toaster shakings, Kel?
Please.
Daddy gone?
Mom, it's noon.
Only noon?
God, I just couldn't sleep from all the excitement.
Oh, look. I can't even eat.
I'm so excited.
We're getting Christmas presents,
and on Christmas!
Well, Mom, I hate to put a damper on the festivities,
but since Dad's getting us presents,
shouldn't we get him something?
God,
it never occurred to me.
Kind of takes the fun out of the whole thing.
Well, I'm not spending any of my money.
I've got expenses.
What, a new shipment of your favorite perfume come in, Kel?
You know,eau deshore leave?
Go swim in your sheets.
Now, kids, we said all this at Thanksgiving.
What we've got to do is get Daddy some presents.
And as my mom always said,
"The best presents are in Dad's closet."
Well, I'm gonna give Daddy
something that he's never used before:
his toothbrush.
And I'll get him his underwear.
And as his wife,
he deserves to get something special from me.
I know.
I'll get him his winter coat that Buck's been sleeping on.
Oh, this is gonna be the best Christmas ever!
There he is, kids.
The man who hit Santa.
Tonight, we'll all come back
and egg his window.
Yeah, Santa. Yeah, Santa.
Anytime you want it, fat boy!
The bank! I got to get to Marcie's bank.
Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry. We're closed.
See, I got to get to the bank by 3:00.
We won't be but a minute.
Hurry up, Mama!
Fourteen ninety-five, you say?
Yes!
Please hurry!
Mama has the money.
I don't have any money.
Oh.
Well, who has it?
Mom!
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
SANTA: There he is, guys!
No!
Needed some help, eh, Horowitz?
I guess you're not Santa enough to face me alone.
Remember, I know when you're sleeping!
And I know when you've had beans.
PEG, KELLY & BUD [IN UNISON]: What did you get us for Christmas, Daddy?
AL: Well, family, the bank was closed.
I have no money for presents.
You still love me, though, right?
[MACHINE GUN FIRING]
I want toys!
Just a minute, honey.
Mommy just wants to get some shoes, okay?
Toys, toys, toys!
Oh, kids. You gotta love them.
Toys!
Put a cork in it, demon!
God, what I wouldn't pay
to get rid of him for an hour
so I could shop in peace.
[HUMMING "WINTER WONDERLAND"]
Water.
Shut up.
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
You'll never get away with this.
Oh, won't I?
You be quiet,
or I'll send you to the bathroom dungeon
like little Bobby.
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
Hey, Bundy, we want some entertainment.
Okay, I'll tell you a nice Christmas story.
Gather around Uncle Al.
All right, that's close enough.
All right, here we go.
'Twas the night Before Christmas
And all through the house
No food was a-stirring Not even a mouse
Stockings were hung 'Round Dad's neck like a tie
Along with a note That said, "Presents or die"
Children were plotting All night in their beds
While the wife's Constant whining
Was splitting his head
But Daddy had money this year In the bank
Then they closed up early Now Dad's in the tank
Then all of a sudden Santa appeared
A sneer on his face Booze in his beard
"Santa," I said As he laughed merrily
"You do so much for others Do something for me"
"Bundy," he said
"You only sell shoes
Your son is a sneak thief Your daughter's a flooze"
"Ho, ho," Santa said "Should I mention your wife?
Her hair's like an A-bomb Her nails like a knife"
And he climbs up the chimney That fat piece of dung
He mooned me two times He stuck out his tongue
And I heard him exclaim As he broke wind with glee
"You're married, with children You'll never be free"
Now, who wants to hear about the red-headed grinch
that stole Uncle Al's life?
There he is!
He depressed us.
Oh, you beast!
And here's your money back.
And yours.
Thank you.
Okay, Franklin, say goodbye to Uncle Al.
[GROANS]
Good boy!
ANNOUNCER [ON LOUDSPEAKER]: Attention, shoppers. The mall is now closing
so that our merchants can get home
and be with their loving families.
Thank you for shopping with us.
Merry Christmas, and good night.
["IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]
* It's beginning to look A lot like Christmas *
* Everywhere you go *
* Take a look In the five-and-ten *
* Glistening once again *
* With candy canes And silver lanes aglow *
* It's beginning to look A lot like Christmas *
* Toys in every store *
* But the prettiest sight To see *
* Is the holly that will be *
* On your own front door *
* On your own *
* Front *
* Door *
* Merry Christmas! *